Monday, 14 July 2014

Triggers and the descent into the inner mind

I have noticed all of my images on the site have disappeared. Well isn’t that a tad annoying!!

I have gone through all of the processes to try and locate the images, but it seems like my whole gallery has disappeared from google. Maybe my fat fingers hit a big ol’ delete button without realising.

Whatever the reason, the images are gone.

Sorry about that.

They were probably the best things on here.

One really interesting thing about OCD, or my OCD, is that I end up having OCD about OCD.
Boy does that get confusing!!

Many times I obsess about whether what I have is actually OCD. Maybe I’m just trying to make it fit. Maybe it’s just another lie and distraction from the TRUTH of my thoughts.

After all, surely it was lying and distraction that got me in this confused mess in the first place right?

I HAVE TO FIGURE IT OUT!

I HAVE TO GET ANSWERS!

I HAVE TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!

Or so my head tells me.

I was having a chat with someone over the weekend and they were asking me if I thought I knew what the triggers were. I stumbled. I couldn’t come up with an answer.

Cue spending the rest of the weekend worrying about whether I actually had OCD or not. Maybe I’m just lying? Maybe I’m just deceiving myself? The diagnosis all seems a bit too convenient does it not?

I mean what are the chances that there is a medical condition whose symptoms completely match up with my general daily feelings. I know! Sounds way too convenient right. I must be lying to myself!! There is no other possible explanation.
I may as well have had this to obsess about, because if it wasn’t this it would just be something else.

When I get to this stage, my normal reaction is to google it and read everything I possibly can about OCD to either confirm or denounce my diagnosis. Ahhhh blessed reassurance, which never lasts!!

The hours I have spent on google reading about OCD is obscene. I could have used that time and effort to become a millionaire. Heck maybe I’d be ruling the world right now, the effort and time spent was so significant.

Google and I have a love hate relationship. Not only is it my number 1 re-assurer, but it is also my number 1 nemesis.

I flippin’ hate/love Google.

It is tough to identify triggers and hold on to that definition or clarity because when Obsessions flare up again it doesn’t really matter to me what the trigger was, I am too lost in the thoughts and anxiety.

Something decent came of it though. It made me think of my triggers for a post. Hopefully posting them here gives me a physical as well as a mental reminder of what these are. I mean I guess I know them, but I just haven’t nailed them down for long enough to make an impact, due to second guessing whether I have OCD in the first place.

Generic triggers
Stress – busy life, lots to do

Tiredness – if I miss sleep then I really feel anxious

Specific triggers
Reading scriptures – I am just like the bad people the scriptures talk about. I can see all my sins and the damnation awaiting me if I don't change. Oh and have I denied the Holy Ghost? - Wow that’s a strange one huh

Hearing controversial or ‘anti Mormon’ discussions or topics – The mere suggestion of disagreement leads to the question ‘Is my whole life a lie?’ (My biggest challenge right now)

Work/employment – It’s like my brain is annoyed that I have to focus on something else, other than OCD. I spend all day at work fighting for headspace to concentrate on my job. A good example of this is that I am at work typing this right now. I have to get this out in the hope I will be able to work a bit later on. Maybe my blog is becoming part of a compulsion to this obsession with OCD.

Any kind of discussion of an existential nature – MIND BLOWN – back to square one

There are more I reckon, but these are the main current ones. I can see how OCD has changed over the years. It started with scrupulosity, confessing everything!! It moved to relationship OCD, fear of who I loved and who I didn’t. Then it was existentialist stuff. Now it’s scrupulosity and existentialist stuff all wrapped up together.

I am almost intrigued as to what is coming next.

So, what a lovely life it is when you are freaked by the idea of going to work and sitting there for 8 hours a day, anxious when you have anything to do, on edge with even slight tiredness, can’t turn to the scriptures for uplift and support, feeling like your whole life is a lie and then questioning if you or Neptune really even exists, and if so, where and how?
Every thought as it occurs is so powerful and consuming.

But I will tell you one thing……… I actively try not to give in to any of it.

Do I go to work every day? YES.

Do I get on with my busy schedule? YES.

Do I read Scriptures? YES.

Do I go to church and teach lessons? YES.

I will tell you one thing…. It’s hard!! However, these hard things are the things that will save me in time.
I used to avoid reading scriptures, and I must have gone about two years without even opening them. However, every day is now my exposure therapy. This makes every day a challenge. It almost feels easier to just give in to the thoughts. At least then it would just be the thoughts and not an active fight against them. But the fight is necessary.

While a ‘fight’ sounds very active, it can actually be passive. Involved in the exposure therapy for me is trying to ignore what I am being told in my head and then just engaging with the thing I’m scared of. It’s really tough sometimes, but it gets easier. I just wish it lasted longer.

I fight all day long. The frustrating thing is once I’ve broken down the barriers a bit one day, the next day I wake up and they are all back again.

I think I’m making progress, but then there’s just those days that grab you by the throat and choke any sense of safety and wind out of you. The chest tightens. The brain races. The legs twitch constantly and you feel hyper aware of everything around you, even though the truth is you are only aware of your own feelings.

I need to figure this stuff out a bit better. I do quite well pretending. This just adds to the sense of living a lie. Sometimes I over compensate, trying to be all light and jovial. I’m pretty sure that becomes annoying.
I am going to make a post about my compulsions soon as I am beginning to see more of them. I also want to try and put my thoughts down about scrupulosity at some future point, but one step at a time. I have work to do.

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