Thursday, 11 October 2012

Why do I have OCD?

This is a tough question. As a member of the LDS church we are often led to think about the reason behind things, to look at the bigger/eternal picture.

When I try to understand why I think the way I do or have to go through so much OCD doubt I come up with a range of reasons why I might have OCD; none of which actually get me any further along the road to dealing with it.

Here’s my reasons

1)      I have OCD because I need to learn something from it.
2)      I have OCD as a punishment for things I have done wrong in the past.
3)      I have OCD as a consequence of things I have done wrong in the past.
4)      I have OCD because there is naturally a biological problem I couldn’t help.
5)      I don’t have OCD at all, but I am just trying to make my living a lie be explainable.

This is not a happy range of thoughts to go through, especially as I feel that I must find out the answer so then I can fix it.

I feel like I’m not learning anything but just hurting, so that’s reason (1) gone.

If I’m being punished, then what’s the point anymore as it’s just getting worse and I might as well stop trying to be good.

If it’s the consequences of doing stuff wrong, and not God punishing me but just letting nature run it’s course, there’s certainly no mercy being shown my way. Can I really be such a bad person that this is the consequence of sin?

If it’s a natural biological problem, why isn’t God helping me by giving me little glimmers of hope and truth to help me ride through this difficult thing?

Maybe I am just trying to find something that fits rather than actually having a problem. Maybe this is just what would excuse my bad thinking and give me a reason to blame something other than who I really am?

I wish I had someone I could really talk to about this, someone who understands. Not sure my new therapist would understand.

4 comments:

LDSRuminations said...

UPDATE - This post is written at a very low point. please consider the circumstances under which this post is written. Things get better and work out. I am now pretty sure that the reason given as number one is the real answer.
If you are coming to this post first then please don't take this seemingly negative post as my a conclusion to the situation of OCD.

Pedro Fernandes said...

Greetings from Portugal. I was googling OCD/LDS and your blog came up. I´m identified with your story. I also suffer from OCD, I am a Mormon and I don´t understand fully nor accept well why I have to dwell with this burden. Nice blog. Keep up. Someone here is Reading :)

Pedro Fernandes

Pedro Fernandes said...

Inside the temple God said me Ether 12:27 was one of the verses of my life!!! Funny how 4 years have passed since and although I love those verses I do not embrace them fully. OCD or other emotional/physical burdens and Ether 12:27 are strong related. Peace.

Pedro Fernandes said...

Inside the temple God said me Ether 12:27 was one of the verses of my life!!! Funny how 4 years have passed since and although I love those verses I do not embrace them fully. OCD or other emotional/physical burdens and Ether 12:27 are strong related. Peace.

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